Bat Family Therapy
by celestialstarynight
Summary: We all know they need help, but now Alfred's doing something about it. As her first real job in years, Harley Quinn has to give the Bat!Family family therapy. TOTAL CRACK!


**So me and my friend **artyfan** are on another one of our rants about how everyone in the Bat!Family needs therapy. You know, the usual. And then one of us says it would be hilarious if Harley Quinn was their therapist. So yeah, one brainstorming session later and this happens. I've screwed with the timeline so much it's not even funny. Alright, it wasn't that bad. Main points:**

**- Dick is Nightwing in Blüdhaven**

**- Barbara is Oracle and in charge of the Birds of Prey. She has full use of her legs.**

**- Stephanie is Spoiler and in the Birds of Prey.**

**- Jason is Red Hood and everyone knows it.**

**- Cass is Batgirl. She speaks through sign language. It will be ****underlined****.**

**- Tim is Red Robin and he works with Bruce in Gotham.**

**- Damian is Robin and is partners with Bruce.**

**- Bruce is still Batman. **

**- Alfred is still the best butler in existence.**

**ON WITH THE CRACK!**

"Master Bruce, I've done something recently that I should have done a long time ago."

Bruce looked up from his work to see Alfred standing in the door of his study.

"And what's that, Alfred?" Bruce said as he looked back down at his work. He wasn't worried at all about what Alfred had done. Alfred was one of the only people in the house who he could trust to make good, quality decisions. And there were a lot of people in the house right then. Dick was visiting from Blüdhaven. Barbara and Stephanie had taken a small break from the Birds of Prey to visit, too. Tim and Damian were in the house, of course, along with Cass. And someone had managed to get Jason to spend the day, probably Alfred.

"I've signed all of you up for family therapy," Alfred said.

Bruce paused in his writing. "Could you repeat that? I don't think I heard you right."

"I'm sure you heard correctly, Master Bruce. I've signed you and the rest of the children up for family therapy," Alfred said firmly.

"I'm sorry, you did what?" Dick asked. He had been passing by the study when he overheard Alfred.

"I am getting tired of repeating myself. I have signed everyone in this house up for family therapy, starting in one hour."

"What are you all talking about?" Barbara asked as she and Cass walked by.

"Alfred is making us all go to therapy," Dick told them.

"What?!" Barbara shouted while Cass signed something of that sort but with more profanity.

"There is no room for discussion. I will be driving you all there in forty-five minutes. Please inform the others." And with that Alfred left the room and walked down the hall and out of sight.

_Off to go dust something, I guess_, Dick thought. _That or pray for whoever has agreed to give us therapy._

"Bruce, you're not seriously going though with this, are you?" Barbara asked. She had wanted a break from the stress. Though, coming to the Wayne Manor was probably a bad place to go if one wanted peace.

"Alfred won't give up on this. If we don't go now he'll just bring a therapist here and put the manor on lockdown so none of us can leave," Bruce said.

Dick groaned.

"I guess you're right." He then looked from Bruce to Barbara. "I have one question: who's telling Damian?"

"Better question," Barbara said. "Who's telling _Jason_?"

There was a pause. In the silence that ensued, one would have been able to hear a pin drop.

"You do it!" Dick and Barbara yelled, pointing at each other.

"Dick, you tell Jason _and_ Damian," Bruce said.

"What? Why?" Dick asked (read: whined).

"Because Barbara is telling Steph and Tim."

"No fair." Dick pouted. "She gets to tell the people that aren't insanely violent."

Despite his protests, he left the room. Cass laughed at him as he went off to his certain death.

"As long as Steph doesn't hit me with her waffle iron, I'm good," Barbara said as she, too, left the room.

"Who are we seeing?" Cass signed to Bruce.

"I don't know," Bruce answered. "Hopefully not someone employed by Arkham."

...

Dick walked into Jason's room at the mansion without even bothering to knock. Knocking would give Jason time to grab a weapon, and we wouldn't want that.

"Jay, Alfred needs you to be ready to leave in forty-five minutes," Dick informed him.

"And where are we going, _Dickie Bird_?" Jason asked, making the nickname sound more like an insult because he lacks the ability to show love to his family. He was sitting on the bed, cleaning some dried blood off his helmet.

Dick glanced at the knife at Jason's side before saying, "We are going to watch small babies shoot each other for money."

Jason stared at him. "What are you on, and where can I get some?"

"If you get into the car in forty-five minutes all your questions will be answered," Dick said mysteriously before backing out of the room.

Dick let out a sigh of relief as he closed the door. One violent, psychotic maniac down, one to go.

He quickly made his way to Damian's room and entered.

"What do you want, Grayson?" Damian asked, not even turning away from his work to see who it was.

"How'd you know it was me?"

"Tt, you're the only one who enters without knocking. Even Father gives a knock before opening the door," Damian said as he turned around to face Dick.

Dick looked warily at the knives Damian was currently sharpening. Why did he get the brothers with knife fetishes?

"Alfred is taking us somewhere in forty minutes. He needs us all ready to leave by then."

"Where are we going?"

"Um," Dick tried to think up an excuse.

"Just tell me, Grayson," Damian growled.

"Alfred signed us up for family therapy," Dick said.

Damian looked at him for a moment and then went back to his knives.

Dick stood there awkwardly before saying, "That's it? No comment from the peanut gallery?"

"Going against Pennyworth's wishes would be pointless. And I agree with him in that the rest of you do need psychological help."

Dick decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth and quickly retreated out of the room.

Barbara found Stephanie and Tim in the kitchen. "Guys, Alfred is making us all go to a family therapy session today."

"What? When?" Stephanie asked.

"Forty-five minutes."

"Please, please tell me you're kidding," Stephanie begged. Barbara shook her head regretfully.

"Sorry, Steph," she said. "I _could_, of course, but I'd be lying."

"Ugh, why do we have to go? I mean, it's clear that Bruce, Jason and the Demon need help, but us?" Tim complained.

"Just go with it. Alfred's not going to back down from this," Barbara said.

The younger two grumbled but did not try to hurt the messenger.

**NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA **Forty-five minutes later...** NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA**

"So I assume that everyone has been informed of where we are headed?" Alfred asked as he drove out of the manor gates.

Everyone said "yes" with various degrees of enthusiasm, except for Jason who said, "No."

Bruce turned to Dick. "I told you to tell him."

Dick shrugged. "I thought it best to not say anything until it was too late for him to back out."

"Just what the hell did you sign me up for, Grayson?" Jason demanded.

"_Alfred _signed us up for family therapy," Dick answered.

Jason just slammed his head against the seat. Great, even if he jumped out of the car - hard to do when Cass and Barbara had the window seats - Alfred would just send someone to catch him. There was no way to get out of it.

**NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA **Fifteen minutes later...** NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA**

"Where are we?" Stephanie asked as Alfred pulled the van up to an old, seemingly abandoned, office building.

"A better question is why are we in a van?" Tim asked.

"No Batmobile can hold all of us and the limo is too flashy," Dick answered.

"Care to fill us in on who we are seeing, Alfred?" Bruce asked as they all got out.

"Mista' Pennyworth! So nice to see ya'!" a voice very familiar to everyone called out to Alfred. The skinny blond woman made her way from the building to the group.

"Wait, we're getting family therapy from _Harley Quinn_?" Barbara said. Her eyes had gone very wide.

"No fucking way am I talking to her," Jason said angrily.

"Master Todd, please watch your language," Alfred reprimanded him.

"Yeah, Jay, there are children present," Dick said as he put his hands over Damian's ears.

"Get your hands off of me, Grayson," Damian growled and shoved him off.

"Why her?" Stephanie groaned. "Is she even still licensed?"

"_She_ is standin' right here, you know." Harley put her hands on her hips and glared at Stephanie.

"I assure you, Miss Quinzel is more than qualified to deal with all of your _special_ issues," Alfred said.

"'_Special'_? What does he mean by '_special'_?" Stephanie muttered to herself.

"I must say, it's an honor to be working with the Batman," Harley said with a happy nod to Bruce. "And for my first job in years!"

"You told her?" Bruce growled at Alfred.

"The ad was for Batman. She was the only one to respond," Alfred said.

"Of course, who else would want to delve into the inner psyche of Batman other than someone who's already insane?" Tim said.

"Watch who you're callin' insane, buddy. I'm not the one who runs around at night in coloured undies," Harley shot at him.

"As opposed to running around with a psycho clown who enjoys beating people to death and then blowing them up," Jason commented harshly.

"You're one to talk!" Harley snapped. "You kill people all the time!"

"Yeah, the ones who deserve it."

"The people Mista' J kills deserve it, too!"

"Tt, and she's supposed to be counseling _us_?" Damian said to no one in particular.

"But what guarantee do we have that she won't tell anyone?" Bruce asked Alfred.

"Oh, don't worry about that, Mista' Wayne. You're my patients, so you have full doctor/patient confidentiality with me. I won't tell Mista' J nothin'."

Cass got Barbara's attention and then signed to her, "Isn't she supposed to be in Arkham?"

"Cass has a good point," Barbara said to the rest of them. "Shouldn't Harley be in Arkham right now?"

"Shall we step into my office?" Harley asked quickly.

"Off you go. I shall return in an hour," Alfred said and returned to the van.

"Alfred must not really know us that well," Barbara whispered to Dick. "Because we're going to need a lot more than an hour."

Dick snickered as they all walked into Harley's office building. There was a reception area with a counter on the far wall. There were also some chairs and a couple of low tables with old magazines on them on the right wall. On the floor were some wooden toys meant for little kids. There was a door on the left side of the room that was labeled as a family restroom and two other doors on the far wall leading to places unknown.

"Please take a seat and I'll be right with ya'," Harley told them. She then left through one of the doors on the far wall.

There were only five chairs. Bruce sat down in one. Dick grabbed one and Barbara promptly sat on his lap to avoid the chaos of trying to get her own chair. Tim got another chair but Damian shoved him out of it and sat down. Cass and Stephanie took the remaining two chairs while Tim was on the floor. Jason hadn't even bothered trying to take a chair. He just leaned up against the wall on the other side of the room.

"Bruce, Damian shoved me out of my chair," Tim complained.

Bruce sighed. It was going to be a _long_ hour.

"Damian, don't shove people out of their chairs. Tim, it's only for one minute, sit on the floor."

"I'm hungry," Steph said. "Dick, do you have any food?"

"Why would I have food?"

Stephanie shrugged. "You're friends with a speedster, it's only logical that you would be the one to carry food."

"What about Timmy?" Dick protested.

"Don't call me 'Timmy'," Tim commented from the floor. He had given into his boredom and started playing with the wooden toys. Damian scoffed at him.

"He's friends with Bart," Dick continued as though uninterrupted. "So according to your logic, he should have food too."

_*This used to be a fun house. But now it's full of evil clowns. It's time to start the countdown. I'm gonna burn it down, down, down. I'm gonna burn it down*_

Music was suddenly blaring from the room Harley had entered and moments later hyenas could be heard barking/laughing.

"Oh great, it's take your pet to work day," Stephanie said.

_*Echoes knocking on locked doors. All the laughter from before. I'd rather live out on the street than in this haunted memory. I've called the movers, called the maids.*_

Harley opened to door.

"Sorry. My babies just love listening to music while they eat. Shall we get started?" She opened the other door and gestured for them to enter.

"Aren't you going to turn the music off first?" Barbara asked.

_*Drag my mattress to the yard. Rumble, tumble, house of cards. This used to be a fun house. But now it's full of evil clowns.*_

Harley just started at her blankly.

"I wasn't planning on it. They're still eating."

There was an awkward silence.

Cass then got up and walked into the room. Stephanie shrugged and followed after her. Barbara got up next and Tim and Dick went with her.

"Tt," Damian muttered before getting up and following the rest.

That left Bruce and Jason. Harley just stood there smiling creepily while the two glared at each other so hard it was surprising they didn't burst into flames. Dick finally came out and dragged Jason in while Stephanie and Cass did the same with Bruce.

**NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA**

An hour later, Alfred was back with the unmarked, white van to pick them all up.

"How did it go?" he asked as they all climbed in. When the last door closed, he stared.

Tim's cheek and Stephanie's arm were bleeding. Tim, Stephanie, and Damian were all bruised. Jason had a black eye. Barbara and Dick were disheveled, looking they had broken up a fight. Bruce looked like he was nursing a headache. Cass was the only one who looked completely unharmed. She wore a happy smile.

"Oh, my. What happened?" Alfred asked.

"Dami and Tim got in a fight," Dick said. "So Babs and I broke it up."

"And Jason attacked Steph because she wouldn't shut up," Barbara concluded.

"So I punched Jay in the face."

"Oh, right, and that happened," Dick said.

"Don't forget! Tomorrow at nine!" Harley called.

Everyone groaned.

"Do we have to go back?" Stephanie complained.

"Yes," Alfred answered before pulling out of the parking lot.

**Because we all know they need more than one session. X)**

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